Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
