So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was CRYING into my vagina
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
