The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
