y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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