fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
even my farts smell like vagina
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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