I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
then he tried to convert me to islam
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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