hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
