he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize