god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
