and you said cock pushups were impossible
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
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