The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize