Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
