i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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