Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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