Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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