Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I did not marry a roomba.
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