Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
