just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
