and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
