You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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