Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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