I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
