he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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