I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How's work?
Spinning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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