Im at strip club and am horny
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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