I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize