So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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