Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
