she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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