Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
