I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
