who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
