And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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