Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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