I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
