we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
