if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
