I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
