woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize