Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
