I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
