Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
