Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
