It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
