So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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