Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
