I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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