Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize