Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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