i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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