Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
A bitchslap is in order.
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