Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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