I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
