Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
