PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
