I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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