Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
