life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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