I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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