Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
