The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
