the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
