My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
