You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
