I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
